A Little Herb Might Be the Spice Your Sex Life is Lacking!
At some point in most relationships, sex can become a bit monotonous. Perhaps you’ve reached the outer limits of your creativity. Perhaps you’ve fallen into a pattern which, while fun, isn’t as exciting as it was early on in the connection. Because we live in such a heteronormative society, the primary model of “what sex is” usually follows a similar trajectory.
Let’s Open the Conversation
It begins with kissing and rubbing the upper body, progresses to the lower body, moves into one or both partners receiving oral, and culminates in penetrative sex. In most heterosexual pairings, sex ends when the penis owner ejaculates. If this model works for you, by all means keep doing it! I’m not here to tell you that you’re doing anything wrong (although I would strongly encourage you to reconsider if an ejaculating penis has to signal the sexual curtain call). However, if this model leaves you feeling uninspired, I offer an alternative perspective. Grab a joint and let’s smoke about it.
It’s a Journey, Not a Race
I’ve been moving through the world as a bisexual woman for over a decade now. What I’ve learned from having sex with people with a variety of genital configurations (including many delightful connections with trans and nonbinary folks) is that the heterosexual model is by no means the only way of having fulfilling sexual interactions, and can in fact be a bit limiting. It doesn’t have to just be a race to penetration. Simply making out can be delightful. Genital massage can be a destination all its own. Enjoying toys on your on body while laying next to each other is both connective and takes much less effort than penetrative sex.
Essentially, foreplay doesn’t have to refer to “anything leading up to penetration”–I want to reconceptualize foreplay as “any logistical or practical preparations (both with your body and with your environment, including acquiring necessary tools like toys, lube, candles, or cannabis), that prepare you to enter a sexual headspace.” Putting silky sheets on the bed. Lighting incense. Picking out music. Dressing in something that makes you feel sexy. Having conversations about what’s on the table. Buying cannabis products. Applying infused topicals. Those are all components of foreplay.
Open the Conversation
Cannabis was one of the tools that helped me step outside the restrictive box in which I found myself. My golden rule for incorporating cannabis into your sexual explorations is that you negotiate before you medicate. What that means is having a conversation about where you are presently (mentally and physically), where you want to be, and which cannabis products or strains might best help you get there. It also involves sharing with a partner what you’d like to co-create together in that connection, and what you’re not in the mood for this time. While this is an essential step if you’re using cannabis together, it’s actually a useful conversation to have anytime you’re sharing sexual space with another person.
THC-containing cannabis products can decrease inhibitions, perhaps emboldening you to step more powerfully into a sexual persona and vulnerably ask for the things that you want and need in real time. Here are a couple ideas:
Hazy kisses: If you’re both a yes to intoxication, find a CBD-rich strain with a 1:1 or better CBD to THC ratio and have one partner inhale the smoke and exhale it into the other partner’s mouth, then start kissing. It’s hot, gets you feeling good but not overly stoned, and can be the start of a nostalgic make-out session with no end in sight.
Practicing receiving massage: Find a cannabis infused oil that you like and schedule two dates of at least an hour so you can both take turns as the receiver. If you’re the receiver, your only job is to lay back and enjoy the experience and offer feedback as needed to ensure you’re having a great time start-to-finish. If you’re the giver, your job is to take care of the receiver’s needs – have water available, bring the cannabis supplies, create a mood with music and lighting. Start with whatever area your receiver requests, but don’t visit the genitals until the end. Once they’re squirming for stimulation, practically begging for your hands on them–then you go there. Keep it to just massage though, even if you do use your hands to bring them pleasure. Orgasm is not the goal–pleasure is the goal. Orgasm is a bonus! (Remember if you do decide to move into activities that require condoms or barriers, you have to choose non-latex materials like nitrile or polyurethane because of the oil).
It’s YOUR Sex Life…Own It
A multitude of possibilities arise when you take a break from what many sex professionals refer to as the “sexual escalator.” I encourage you to explore beyond what you think sex is “supposed to” look like and define pleasure on your terms! Enjoy!
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